"la galaxy" - against my will

Ook, this cake has to do with soccer. so, to all you americans out there, try to keep up. actually, all you foreigners keep up too because this deals with the MLS (American soccer), which no one follows.

anyway, the city of houston, texas has a professional soccer team called the dynamo. los angeles, california has a team called the galaxy. the dynamo played the galaxy for the MLS championship. it's like the super bowl of soccer, with 1/8 of the viewers.

so, i, being from houston, like the dynamo, and gabe and craig, from work, having lived in LA for awhile, cheer for the galaxy. obviously, this meant that some sort of bet was necessary between the two parties. the bet underwent a few drafts before it was finalized. one of the versions involved craig getting his own breakfast, but heaven forbid that happen, so we settled on something else:

if the dynamo should win, gabe and craig were required to each make and decorate a cake in support of the dynamo. craig's children could help him but not his wife.

(side note: one of the writers, who's from houston, wanted houston to lose so that we wouldn't have to eat whatever concoctions these two aces came up with.)

if the galaxy should win, i was required to make and decorate one cake in support of the galaxy. The type of cake would be craig's choosing, and it had to involve donovan, as per gabe's request.

surprise, surprise. the dynamo lost, and i owed them a cake. to make a long story only a little bit shorter: craig wanted a butterscotch cake. i tried it. i burnt it. no one else wanted butterscotch anyway. so, i went with funfetti.

i'm pretty happy with how landon donovan and david beckham turned out, especially beckham's "pedo-stache," but the logo... that's what i get for doing it without tracing it first. whatever. over it.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2.5 hours + 2 hours at the championship game surrounded by drunk, ignorant galaxy fans in the rain. worth it?

dale, dale, dynamo,
sassy badger

"fancy cat" - real class

i made this cake for an art show, predominantly a cat art show. you can watch all about it here:

i really don't think it needs much more explanation than that. i still can't believe that night really happened. however, i will say that i drew this cake entirely free hand... that's why the milk martini and shrimp cocktail are so well done. 

either way, this cat keeps his pinkies up. that's how you know it's fancy.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2 hours + one glorious night reduced to a glorious sixteen minutes.

break me off a piece of that fancy feast,

sassy badger

"bow-tie pikachu" - obscurity

"long time no see" - me to this blog. 

in case you don't know, i've been in los angeles for the semester, and i'm already so famous that i don't have time to bake anymore.

well, that is partly true. i have been in los angeles, living in temporary housing with a crummy oven and no mixer. do you seriously expect me to mix cake batter by hand? it appears i have no choice out here. life is hard.

while here in los angeles, i have been interning in the writers' office of a lil' show called private practice (ask your mom about it). anyway, everything on this cake has to do with the show in some way, and i will now explain it to you, but i do not expect you to understand... unless you work at pp, in which case, let's pretend you aren't reading this.

so, there's a writer at work - let's call him "gabe llanas," and he wears bow ties every tuesday because he's classy like that. and last week, at the table read, he read for the part of mason, who is the son of the character cooper on the show. mason is eight, and gabe is not eight. 

although, that would be pretty great, and i would totally make a show about an eight-year-old who writes for a medical drama. 

but, anyway, gabe is there, in front of all the other actors and producers and people more important than me, and he's reading opposite paul adelstein, and brian benben cannot stop laughing, and yes i am done namedropping... all in all, it was hilarious, and if you want to see the real thing, tune in to private practice, thursdays on abc. check your local listings. boom, advertising. 

this specific scene is in episode 510. so, if that episode beats out all the other shows, i'm taking all the credit. you're welcome.

and there you have it, folks. now, you're in the know.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2 hours + 4 viewings of the entire fourth season of private practice. so, a question ever comes up in pub trivia about who slept with who in season four, call me up!

i know it's my destiny,

sassy badger

"the finder" - professionalism

my reply, finder writers, is YES.

the finder hasn't technically aired yet, apart from its backdoor pilot on bones, but one look at geoff stults, and the answer is pretty straight forward. you certainly landed a looker, lucy camden. 7th heaven? anyone? every twentysomething girl? ok great.

basically, the show hinges on the fact that the finder can find anything, anywhere, anytime. but, as i posit, it would be alright if occasionally his power was voided when it came to his clothes. like maybe there's some sort of cosmic power shift every 3rd aquarium moon in the 9th house of the sun. i don't know, but i'm pretty sure the fifth dimension sing a song about it.

anyway, i really hate this cake. as the show hasn't started yet, there were not a whole lot of promotional photos or anything to base this on. if only there was someone who could find a photo for me..... womp. womp.

also, a contact somewhat commissioned this cake, as she is going to send it to the production company for me as a follow-up to my resume. i'm seriously hoping to land an internship there, emptying trash cans and getting coffee for the assistant's assistant. you know, all that glamorous stuff. so, i took this as seriously as an interview. therefore, those are, in fact, nervous tears and forehead sweat you taste in your slice...

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 3.5 hours + 6 seasons of waiting for booth and bones to finally get together... oh wait, this is the finder. still, hooray!  

sometimes known as walter sherman,

sassy badger

"matt" - ending of an era

made this cake in june, but let's not talk about it.

ok, well, this was a cake for my boss, matt, aka screenplay director of austin film festival. no big deal. don't be jealous. so on and so forth. this cake was a first because that is matt's face on the cake, and i gave it to matt. it was a whole new level of stalking for me, tracing my boss's nose off a facebook photo... trying to match the exact shade of blue for his deep, deep, deep v-neck tee.

but, at the end of the day, i'm very happy with how it turned out, and it was a fun birthday at the office. interns actually got to come out of the back room. after adjusting to the sunlight, i just hung around all day, doing very little work. however, it was also sort of sad because that was one of my last days working for the austin film festival, humble brag part ii. then, i got over it because i was going home to make $25 an hour, douchey brag...

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 3 hours + 1.5 years of glorious, unpaid, long-houred interning with aff.

thanks for all the papercuts,

sassy bdager

"little giants" - one time

so i made this cake back in may, and seeing as how it is now august, i figured i should get a jumpstart on posting it...

anyway, i made this cake for my indoor soccer team. yes, we are the little giants. yes, the little giants is a movie about football. yes, it is the greatest movie of our generation, and, probably, eternity. we've been playing under the giants name for about 3 years now, but this year we actually made it pretty far in the playoffs, so i figured, with all that extra running, we could eat a few extra calories. the cake (obviously) was super easy, but it's the thought that counts right?

also, we screened little giants during our party, and, by that, i mean half the team took a nap while i quoted the entire movie: 

zoltec (fat kid, after running a sprint) - "how did i do coach?"

coach o'shea (ed o'neill) - "i don't know son, i don't have a sundial."

classic 90's fat kid burn. classic.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 30 minutes + 2 hours trying to figure out what devon sawa is up to these days

call me icebox, 

sassy badger

"ron swanson" - bully for me

in case you aren't already, watch parks and rec. it is honestly my favorite show on television, and i'm like in a tv writing class and i like watch a lot of tv so i'm like an expert or like something.

but, yea, it's pretty great, and i want you to love it too, so start with season 2. it will rock your world, and then go back and watch season 1. they were definitely still figuring out that leslie knope is not michael scott and that this show is not the office. however, from the beginning they were definitely aware that ron swanson is the greatest human being, real and fictional. the show is so strong with amy poehler alone, but nick offerman's swanson seriously knocks it out of the park. he is both men in the term "man's man." he is so great, that i couldn't even throw away my drawing. it's right up there next to all the other awesome things i did this year, like take passport photos.

anyway, this was, in fact, made for my tv writing class party. and, once again, true to film students, i was told that i could make cakes when my tv/film career doesn't work out. i seriously love my classmates, we are so realistic about our futures, no matter how grim and depressing they may be. i've seriously got to at least make it in craft services. being on set, in any way, fulfills about half of my dream. close second, y'all.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2 hours + a life goal to achieve swanson's pyramid of greatness

director of the parks department of pawnee, indiana,

sassy badger

"thing 2" - innocence lost

so, i just finished up the most beneficial class of my four years in college, "racism and anti-racism." seriously, some incredible, eye-opening, life-changing stuff. everyone take it, for reals.

anyway, dr. seuss has actually been known for being an anti-racist "activist," especially during WWII. however, as we were discussing japanese concentration... umm internment camps, we came across some unsavory cartoons by mr. geisel. obviously good people do dumb things sometimes, so this news didn't completely shatter my childhood, as the cake suggests. it was more of, what did i learn in "racism and anti-racism" that would be fun to put on a cake? white supremacy? check minus.

the cake was white with chocolate icing... obviously it couldn't pass in this class otherwise. and it took me about an hour to decide on a seuss character. the man was a pretty legit cartoonist, in case you weren't already aware. no simple line drawings or clipart type things, some shading that i don't even know how to tackle on paper, let alone on a cake. also, there are about infinity iconic seuss characters. 

i wanted to go with the cat in the hat, but  it was too difficult, and it reminded me too much of mike meyers and spencer breslin (what are you up to nowadays, spence?). however, my girl dakota fanning did rock that movie and every other thing she has ever done, ever. anyway, so i went with thing 2 because thing 1 was the obvious choice. can't be too cliche. i've got to keep you guessing.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 1.5 hours + a 12 page paper left in this class that stands between me and graduation, no big deal

most known by the pen name,

sassy badger

"sky guy" - that's what they're called

well, this has been a slow, slow year indeed. not a lot of parties, i guess, but i have about a month left to make cakes for everyone who still has not gotten one yet, so put your orders in. for real. i've got a lot of time on my hands between now and graduation.

alright, alright. so, yes, this is one of those inflatable wind things that they use to advertise car dealerships, mobile phones (yes, mobile), pawn shops, crack houses, etc. the joke around this came about when i attempted to dance like one of these. everyone has a friend who dances like THIS, and if you've never tried to dance like that, then you haven't lived.

after some research, we discovered that these things are called sky guys, sky dancers, air dancers, sky puppets... so on and so forth, and the market for them is pretty outrageous. there are plenty of websites selling these things that look like you made them on your geocities account in sixth grade. it's amazing what you can learn when you're actually motivated to do so.

as a cake it was a pretty easy/weak design, but badger has been lazy this semester i guess. so, let me know if i owe you a cake. i really mean it.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 1 hour + 30 minutes watching videos of these things on youtube.

a custom inflatable manufacturer,
sassy badger

"dan" - some words of wisdom

wow. it has been a very, very long time since an update, like not since 2010. and 1. this was made in december, so still nothing going on for 2011, and 2. this is so obscure that only people in my class would even catch the reference.

SORRY TO EVERYONE ELSE, maybe you should have some parties with some killer themes so that i have a reason to decorate again. jeez, kthanks.

anyway, this guy aka dan knight... no, not this dan knight:

i honestly have no idea who that guy is, but i wish he was our teacher. our dan knight looks exactly like the cake, if i do say so myself. same side-mouth talking, side-hair parting, green-shirt wearing dude you see before you. dan was always giving us super cliche advice about how to make movies and direct actors and live life. never helpful, always a good time.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 3 hours + 1 awesome weekend building sets, lighting scenes, and eating donuts. TEAM BETH FO'EVA.

dialogue before action points to,

sassy badger

"black swan" - it's pretty perfect

i was only able to see two movies at aff this year, 127 hours and black swan. both seriously MESSED ME UP, but i highly suggest you go see both; it's only fair.

anyway, this cake was basically a bribe for letting me skip an entire week of work. however, it might have ended up landing me more work in the future. the film guys at the office sent a picture of this to the producer of black swan and some guys at fox searchlight. move over spielberg, i'm running your craft service and your animatronic shark is in the way of my sandwich table. but for serious, that was pretty cool, and i haven't been sued yet for any copyright infringement. and natalie portman's "people" haven't shown up at my door or anything, although that would probably be worth it too.

hey, if i learned anything from this movie, it's that you have to do what it takes to get ahead. if that means exploiting queen amidala in some bird makeup just to make connections in the biz, then so be it. i'll see you in hollywood, bitchesssss.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2.5 hours + 3 awesome scenes of winona ryder as a washed up performer, mmmmfamiliar

a ballet in four acts,
sassy badger

"radish" - what a waste

oh dear. it's a greek cake. AGAIN. and it's a radish! why? because we learned there is one word in greek that literally means to stick a radish up your fundament aka bum. sounds FUNdament, right? yes, but wrong. it was actually a really gross form of punishment. so the next time you find yourself in ancient greece, don't even think about adulteratin'.

in case that isn't enough happy FUNdament times for you, i took this one to class, and we didn't even get to eat it. instead we were all "radished" by the hardest quiz known to man, woman, and vegetable. on top of that, it got a little too chummy with a liter of rc cola, and it didn't survive the bus ride home. however, as you can plainly see, it's not like a whole lot of hard work went into this one.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 30 minutes + 1 vegetable that i will never eat ever again

banging on a trashcan, drumming on a streetlight,
sassy badger

"mad men" - only 2 months late

for some reason i kept forgetting to post this one... i think i was waiting for the mad men season finale, as i didn't think it was fair to steal their thunder. i haven't watched it yet, but all the super famous people i met* this weekend at the austin film festival said it was really fantastic.

this cake was pretty interesting to work on. simple, simple shapes, but i swear i sculpted that ear for about 30 minutes. i was worried too; black icing is always tricky, as it often tastes like stale battery acid. luckily, my friend was turning TWOONE, so there was plenty of vodka and my "girl mojitos" to chase it down with. and for the record, mojitos are delicious. we can't all drink old fashioned's like don draper.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: can't remember + a 2.5 hour car trip from houston to austin + an awful hangover the next morning when i had to move all my furniture.

from the writer and executive producer of the sopranos,
sassy badger

* by met i mean not really.

"fc barcelona" - like an engineer

for those of you that follow soccer/football outside of this year's world cup, you'll recognize this as the crest of fc barcelona. for those of you that just joined the program: welcome, we're happy to have you, please leave your vuvuzelas at the door. now, of course, the initials AJB are replacing the FCB that normally reside in the middle of the shield. maybe one day AJB will be lucky enough to have his own club. i'd play for him... if he paid well.

half-way through designing this cake, i just started laughing out loud, LOL'ing if you will. at this stage, it hardly looked edible: 

i would like to include some more tidbits about FCB for you. however, about 85% of the club plays on spain's national team, and, seeing as how i missed their game today against germany, i would like to avoid spoilers as much as possible until i watch the replay at midnight. 

if you somehow ruin this game for me, your exclusive membership to the badger blog will be revoked. THAT IS ALL. 

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 1.5 hours + 1 beautiful month of early morning games, breakfast tacos, cuatro-trons, and frats in demin cutoffs and american flag apparel

go netherlands,

sassy badger

"california raisin" - it's not kramer

this might be the most obscure pop-culture reference i have put on a cake so far. i mean, the way they market these raisins is even pretty obscure: figurines, t-shirts, deodorant sticks, etc... i think they even made a few television episodes - "the day the grapes went to the beach," or something like that. budumchhhhhhh!

my first choice was to put kramer on this cake, you know THE painting of kramer. i know you know the one, but it was just super difficult. sorry, michael richards and michael rotko.

anyway, i'm not sure if this particular raisin even exists, but he looks like he's having a good time. he's rocking those shades and those kicks. i'd tap that....

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 1.5 hours + minor extraction surgery when my 4-year-old self stuck a raisin up my nose and couldn't get it out.

it went in a raisin, and came out a grape. think about it,
sassy badger

"lady gaga" - unexplainable

if anyone can explain to me the weird costumes or the "telephone" video or lady gaga in general, i would really appreciate it. i feel like she sort of just popped up out of nowhere, taking up whole episodes of glee and ripping off ace of base, left and right. don't get me wrong, her music is pretty good, but what?

my favorite part about designing this cake was google-ing lady gaga because the search results always suggested "lady gaga hermaphrodite." i mean, hello, jeffrey euginides called, he wants his book back.... anyone? just to keep you in the loop, the term hermaphrodite is being phased out and replaced with "intersex," as it carries less of a stigma. thank you, intersex society of north america.

anyway, i made this cake for my boss, and it was well received by the entire office. best of all, they actually let me and the other interns out of the back room to eat a piece of cake. seeing as how screenplay interns are the bottom of the bottom, this was such exciting news; i could hardly contain myself. thus, i did not even eat a slice of cake for fear that my good mood plus a sugar rush would only lead to self-destruction when i realized i still had 4 hours of paper-pushing to go.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2.5 hours + an extra 6 minutes tagged on to "telephone" to make the most logic-defying music video of all time

born stefani joanne angelina germanotta,

sassy badger

"patrick" - echinoderm nudity

warning: this cake is not for the easily offended, disturbed, or confused. children under 18 should ask a parent before scrolling down.


don't....



say....



i.....


didn't.....



warn......



you.....


!
!
!

i know, it's SO risque. anyway, i'm sure most of you recognize this derriere as belonging to patrick star from the awesome television show for kids (although now i recognize the jokes were written for dirty-minded adults) spongebob squarepants. now, i don't know how many of you have seen the movie, but patrick parachutes in sans swim trunks clenching a banner between his cheeks.... yes, THOSE cheeks. it's pretty glorious, but pretty scarring i guess, since i blocked it from my memory.

even for me, this design is pretty absurd. i wanted to just do a regular patrick, but my friend really pushed for the naked patrick. awesome enough, this version was much easier. i just mixed tons of fleshy-toned icing. alright, i'm done talking about this.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2 hours + an awesome commercial by sir mix-a-lot featuring the track "spongebob got back"

absorbent and yellow and porous is he,

sassy badger  

p.s. - thanks to everyone who checked out our movie from the last post. it has over 100 views.... move over star wars kid.

"p. terry's" - it just made me hungry

so i took "intro to documentary" this semester, and, like my screenwriting class, i became known as the girl who would bring baked goods. unfortunately this class was much less forgiving if i ever showed up empty-handed... including the teacher.

one day we screened one of my projects, and i brought cookies. after class, my teacher complimented me on the cookies.... and only the cookies. like many of my other film classes, these kids suggested i take up professional cake decorating if my career in hollywood doesn't work out. who wants to make movies about blue cat people anyway? for a group of kids with huge dreams, we are sometimes incredibly realistic, rational, and unsupportive. i love it.

anyway, one of my classmates did his project on p.terry's burger stand. talking about food is one thing, but watching it in HD, that's just cruel. even though this was not my project, i felt it was easiest to translate to cake. sadly, my teacher required that this collaboration of ideas be documented:

strangely, no one suggested i consider modeling as a back-up career. however, i can honestly say that this photo encapsulates how truly awkward it was in this moment. anyway, if you've got some time, check out the p. terry's doc.

and you can check out the doc my partner and i made as well.

and check out all the other videos, and everything else we did this semester.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 45 minutes + 1 threat to be sued in the midst of making our project

never been better, 

sassy badger

"a generic frodo" - nerdier than greek

yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is, in fact, elvish. i was told that it says "happy birthday, allison," but for all i know it could say "and the jay-z song was on." now, that would be baller, but not what i was going for. i really cannot express how beyond my level of nerd expertise this is, and that is saying a lot.

also, this was a very difficult design to work with. there are no simple, cute, cartoon characters in lord of the rings. thanks, peter jackson (and thanks for ruining the lovely bones as well). i did find a few LOTR coloring books, which this kind of looks like, and combined those with some of the movie posters of elijah wood, which this is like a mirror reflection of..... ha. basically, it's a dude in a cloak with a necklace on, and he has no eyes. if that doesn't scream frodo baggins, then, get your eyes checked.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2 hours + 10 hours of my life napping while in the movie theater for the three LOTR movies, best sleep i've ever gotten.

the one ring to rule them all,
sassy badger

"women's water polo" - get paid

so, this is the first time any cake of mine has made money. no money went to my pocket, but women's water polo made like $15 at their silent auction. i'm hiring a lawyer to insure i get royalties, or whatever, next time.

any way, the auction was pretty cool. i took home a very special gift for a very special cat FOR ONLY A DOLLAR. if only kitten mittons were available, meeeeee-owwww: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGNnEmd9jw8

but, the family that took this home consisted of two bratty tweens and their dad's wallet. i mean the dad was there too, but it went something like this:

1. girls walk up to an item
2. they write down a bid
3. they ask their dad if they can bid on it
4. he says no
5. they say too late
6. he sighs
7. repeat steps 1-6.

kids these days.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 1 hour + 2 years of low self-esteem due to living with a highly active water polo player. THANKS, BECCA.

one size fits all,
sassy badger