my friend threw a party for our friend and her boyfriend. these are not the same person, okay? “our friend” is one person. and “her boyfriend” is a different person, even though he is also my friend. but they aren’t the same “friend.” does that make sense? two people. got it?
so, my friend threw one party for two people (pretty unamerican if you ask me), and the theme of the one party for two people is “80s.” because, somehow, we have decided that a decade can be a theme. birthdays already celebrate the passing of time, but yes, let’s somehow dress up like ten years all at once. cool. sure.
despite knowing the truth about parties celebrating 3650 days in one 3-hour sitting, i very graciously offered to make a cake for this party. i am nothing if not gracious. and my one friend, the one who was throwing the party and not the friend who the party was for, accepted my offer. so, then i asked, “this is one party for two people, what goes on the one cake for the one party for the two people?” was there something from the 80s that these two people both enjoyed? and my friend, who is nothing if not unhelpful, didn’t have an answer.
i settled on e.t. because he’s one big same-colored shape thing, and i am nothing if not lazy (and also gracious). and i knew it would be easy enough to do. great, so i mixed a bunch of alien flesh colored icing that somehow made e.t. look like he had maybe spent too much time cooking in the sun from whatever planet he’s from (i barely remember what happened in e.t. but surely there was a sun there). what i’m saying is, if you look at pictures of e.t. from the movie, he really looks like an old saggy man with pale and translucent skin. but if you look at this cake, his skin looks more like stale beef jerky.
anyway, doing just e.t. didn’t seem like enough. because, again, two people, one cake. did they both like e.t.? i had no fucking clue. so, i just thought about a bunch of other crap from the 80s. yes, I said it, star wars, ferris bueller’s day off, and the karate kid are crap. and i would know, i’m nothing if not a movie critic.
i hope i pissed off a bunch of movie “purists” by mis-referencing all that junk. cool, cool, cool.
TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2 hours + 5 terrible months i actually spent living in the 80s. it was so loud and bright then.
wax on, wax off,