04 February 2019

"dibs on the puppy" - hoes and hose


another cake with a dog. ugh. why does this keep happening to me?

this dog's name is charlie. and he is a fictional dog played by a real dog. that's how hollywood works. "charlie" was on the very first episode of station 19! a show that i happen to work for! he did a very good job... for a dog. take a look.

there's also a firehose on the cake because station 19 is about firefighters. it also says "dibs on the puppy" on the cake because that was a quote from station 19, which is a show about firefighters. do you understand how hollywood works, yet?

i made this for a watch party for our first episode. at first, i couldn't figure out what to put on the cake, but then i realized i had all of these colors already mixed. and i didn't feel like mixing more. i'm pretty innovative that way.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 3 hours + 20 minutes of our premiere interrupted by a loud, beeping weather warning. whatever! we're not bitter about it!

a spinoff of grey's anatomy,
sassy badger

"angelica and lafayette" - it's hamilton day


i either want to make this post super short: i love hamilton! (clearly)

or i want to write a 20 page thesis and link to my favorite articles and videos and attach a powerpoint about why it's such an incredible show. i know i've only seen it seven times, but i have a lot to say about it...

i think it's best if i split the difference, okay?

hamilton came to los angeles where i live (so glamorous!) in august of 2017. ignore the fact that it's now february 2019. i was so excited for its opening day in glamorous los angeles that i had to make a cake for it. and i had friends who i knew would be just as excited, so i made them a cake, too. i have so many friends.

since i'm the lin-manuel of cakes, let's break down these masterpieces cake by cake. angelica first:


i am more than satisfied* with how this turned out. clearly i nailed it. next.

lafayette:


now, before all you hamfams get all up in my business, YES. i know that lafayette is in his guns and ships costume but the quote is from aaron burr, sir**. like, don't at me, broseph. i had more blue icing, and i was feeling lazy. okay, thank you. but still. nailed it.

i love hamilton!

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 3 hours + 1 awkward run-in where i, a grown adult, asked the actress who played angelica if she "was angelica." byeeeee.

ben franklin with a key and a kite,
sassy badger



* that's the name of the song that this lyric is from, and if you didn't know that, get the fuck off my page.

** if you didn't already put that together on your own, get the fuck off my page.

"tommy john and lila" - a better texas cake!!


did you know i am from texas? i like almost never talk about it...

i was wanting to make a cake for my friends who were having a baby (18 months ago when i made this cake, the child is like a full adult now), and they are also from texas because texas is amazing. and i thought, "wouldn't it be doubly amazing if i could make a texas shaped cake?" but as i thought that through, it seemed really hard, and i don't like to try that much. so, then, i thought, "wouldn't it be great if someone made a texas shaped cake pan?" and sure enough... someone did!

wilton, specifically, back in 1986. they didn't make any other state shaped cake pans because no other state is as great as texas. i'm from texas! did you know that?

i found this pan on ebay. one seller was selling it for $18, another for $75. and because i'm just made of money, like rolling in the dough, i bought the $18 one. and it worked really well! and now it's hanging up in my kitchen because i love texas! and i'm from there!

again, this cake was for my friends. they were about to have their first human child. their first first child is their dog, lila. i hate dogs, but lila is fine. as far as dogs go. here's lila:


i think i did a pretty fucking great job at capturing her essence. but please do not ask me to make you dog cakes in the future. like i said, i hate dogs.

the baby on the cake is in a snow leopard costume because the baby's dad often wears a snow leopard costume. look, you don't know these people, and that sucks for you, but i'm not going to explain it much further than that. anyway, i didn't do an amazing job of capturing the baby (who now goes by "tommy john") or his essence. he's a lot chubbier. but he does have a snow leopard costume irl... and he hates wearing it. sorry.

my biggest regret was that i put a white cake on a white cake board. and i should've done some sort of border around the edges. hello. live a little, me! but, overall, i think it turned out so, so well. my first texas cake could not have gone better. texas, texas, texas! i'm from texas!

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2.5 hours + 3 months of "baby shark" stuck in my head after hearing tommy john's mom sing it.

yes like the baseball player and the surgery,
sassy badger

03 February 2019

"ariel and thom" - sorry for the delay


well, look at this. over a year since i updated this thing. over a year since i made the cake above. one of my new year's resolutions is to not be such a piece of shit... so here we go... in february.

this is an engagement cake! for some friends, ariel and thom, who have now been married over a year! it's supposed to look like a bottle of whiskey. maker's mark, specifically. which is their favorite, which i know because i'm such a good friend (still a piece of shit, but a good friend). and look! i slapped on some hearts and made it all romantic and voila! an engagement cake.

it took me forever to mix the golden whiskey color, and i still think it looks more like a bottle of mustard than a bottle of whiskey, but they loved it and never wanted to eat it, and maybe they still haven't eaten it. maybe i wrote this thing before they ate their cake. i'll take it!

if there are things i know a lot about, it's putting off writing and decorating cakes. if there are things i know very little about, it's whiskey. but, hey, i tried!

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2 hours (i'm making this up because i don't remember) + 18 months between making this and writing about it.

distilled, aged, and bottled,
sassy badger

04 July 2017

"we love you, stacy!!" - words happened


a very sad thing happened. my lovely boss and friend, stacy, left grey's after working there since the pilot. technically, even before the pilot, if you can believe that such a time ever existed. some grey's fans weren't even born then and wow.

a lot of changes happened this year in our little show family, but instead of focusing on how really fucking sad it all was, we tried to celebrate some.

so, look over there! it's stacy in her sunglasses! and sweater! and scarf! standing in front of her old red saturn! classic stacy. the best part was that, at the party, stacy was wearing her sunglasses! and sweater! and scarf! classic stacy being classic stacy.

and don't be sad... look over there, there! on the cake board. do you see that beyonce wrapping paper? how great is that! beyonce is the best! we are all happy and not sad because we love beyonce! and beyonce loves us! because i'm from houston and stacy's from houston and so is beyonce. did you know that?

and definitely don't be sad because look! at all those words! i wrote them all! isn't that hilarious! that i would do that to myself! 

those words are the titles of all of the episodes of grey's that stacy has ever written. and it's getting sad again... but it's happy because that's an amazing career and holy shit!

but if we could make it about me for a second. that really is a lot of words. and i don't know why i thought it would be a good idea to do that. but i did that. and then i spent all of yesterday looking to see if there was some sort of world record for "most words on a cake." no such record exists, so i'm only half-kidding when i say that... i'm looking into it.

ok, back to stacy! we love you!

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 3.5 hours + 1 hour on the guinness world records site, and forever scarred by some of the things i found there.

thirty-one episodes in total,
sassy badger

"bugs" - big


y'all, this cake was big. in about a billion ways. big.

this cake was two round cakes stacked on top of one another. each layer consisted of three boxes of cake mix. so, six boxes of cake mix total. as in, this was, essentially, six cakes. the cake was so heavy, easily the heaviest i've ever made, that i had to reinforce the circular cake tray below it with duct tape and hot glue.

minor construction and six cakes later, i had a big thing to decorate.

a big thing to decorate means lots of icing. probably went through about 4-5 tubs of icing on this one. my teeth hurt just thinking about how much of that icing i ate for breakfast that day.

the decoration also proved to be a big/huge/high/whatever-the-fuck learning curve. i'd never used the "grass" icing tip before (yes, there's an earlier post about it, but i posted them out of order because i'm lazy. okay?). all of the instruction videos about the grass tip make it look so easy. it is not. some of the grass looks like grass, others look like a cluster of pimples, and others look like limp noodles. appetizing, yet?

the other lesson along this big learning curve was figuring out how to icing the side.


let's face it. i'm very smart. i'm very talented. everything comes easily to me. so, i thought that this would be simple. crush some oreos. mix it in the icing and spread along the side. that did not work at all. it big time failed. eventually, i found a system of balancing some oreos on the spreading knife and then quickly sticking them into the icing. it almost felt like i was just catapulting them up there and hope some of them stuck.

i was also in a big rush to pull this thing off. i had to finish this cake and another in one day (see jerrika's cake below). the baking on this one took longer than the decorating. i had to wait for each big layer to cool off before starting on the next one. my life is hard.

but, the biggest big part of all of this was how much of a pain in the ass it was to load these stupid pictures onto my computer so that i could post this stupid blog for my five readers. 

so, i had taken these pictures with my nikon coolpix (pay me?) camera. i went to pull out the sd card to load the pictures onto my laptop. my new laptop doesn't have the sd slot. okay. what about the usb transfer cable? can't find it. okay. i'll just load the pictures onto my old laptop and email them. i go to get my old laptop. turns out the battery, overnight, has gotten so swollen that it's pushing the trackpad out of the keyboard, and it won't turn on. read the online forums, it says just take the battery out and use the charger. okay. i try that, but two of the screws on the bottom won't come out, so the battery can't be removed. okay. now, at this point, i remember that my nikon coolpix has wi-fi. it's an incredible feature (seriously. pay me.). so, i go to connect my camera to my unbloated, working, won't-explode-and-kill-me-in-my-sleep-laptop. i try and try and try. it's not working. i go to the forums. they say that it's easier to connect to the phone. okay. i try that. turns out you need an app. i hate apps. big time. i download it. after about twenty minutes, it finally works.

so, even though this is one of the lamest blog posts in the history of this blog, y'all better enjoy the fuck out of these pictures. or else.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 3 hours + some extra party crafts i got to help with once i delivered the cake. i present to you... "grape worms":


pay me, ashton kutcher,
sassy badger

03 July 2017

"jerrika as stephanie as the easter bunny" - a goodbye


in college, i would often bring cakes to parties. it was usually someone's birthday, but not always. halloween, the end of finals, or just 'murica were all reasons enough to have people over to your shitty off-campus apartment. and cake was just that thing that went with underage drinking (not me, parents, promise!).

so, for the love of beyonce, i do not know why i thought it was a good idea to bring a cake to a real grown-ass grown-up party at an actor's house where other grown-ups and actors would be. where there was an open bar and caterers walking around with trays of food and desserts that were prepared by a real chef.

like, did i think it was just going to be a few beers and a bag of chips? apparently so. i'd just drop this puppy down on the coffee table that somebody picked up off the street. and boom.

again, this was not that party, but none of my actions seemed to align with that fact. i brought a cake. problem number one. then, i didn't even walk in with it in a nice cake box or anything. i just threw it in my own plastic cake carrier WITH MY NAME WRITTEN ON IT LIKE A FUCKING KINDERGARTEN LUNCHBOX and waltzed right into the party. well, actually, i walked a few blocks into the party, even though there was a valet because... did i assume there would be a valet? no. of course not. in my mind, this was a beer and chip party, and i would accidentally park in a permit zone, and i would feel grateful when my car was only ticketed and not towed at the end of the evening. that is how parties work. still. always. forever. i will never get used to how people be grown-ups, especially here in los angeles.

but despite all of my stupidity and less-than-great choices, i am glad that i showed up with that cake. someone who was a warm and giving heart to me (and hundreds of others) was moving on. jerrika has always been a bright spot during my time at grey's, and her character, stephanie, became one of my favorites over the last few seasons. i would miss them both.

i couldn't show up with nothing to say thank you and goodbye. and, often, i don't know how to be a person and say the things that i want to say. i prefer gestures to words most of the time (except this blog is full of words? lol idk). and as soon as i got the invite to this "party," i immediately decided that i would have to make a cake. k not a stressful decision at all.

what should be on the cake? jerrika was only around for over one hundred episodes, so it's not like there were a lot of character moments to choose from... ugh. when that became too overwhelming, i reminded myself that it only had to look amazing and be super funny...

the day of jerrika's party, i also had to make another cake (which i will post about when i find the picture i took of it). so, it had to look amazing, be super funny, and also be able to be baked and decorated in like 3 hours. and for whatever reason, that did the trick. my mind immediately jumped to an episode where stephanie had to dress up like the easter bunny to give candy to kids in the hospital.

it was hilarious for me. probably sweaty for jerrika. and perfect for the cake. an easy design and a pretty damn good quote to encapsulate the character leaving the show.

instagram: @hellojerrika
so, goodbye, stephanie edwards. and thank you for everything, jerrika hinton (including washing my cake carrier and bringing it back to me).

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 1 hour + the easter bunny forever being ruined by sean spicer.

the cristina yang of her resident class,
sassy badger

02 July 2017

"a street" - easy money

ok. ok. so here's the thing. my boss was like, "i got these plastic cake toppers. can you make this cake?"
and i was like, "sure!"


and then she put the cake toppers on top of the cake (wild, i know).


and there you go. that's the whole cake. 

and like, it was so easy. like the easiest. probably not easy for y'all because... obvs. but definitely easy for me. i'm pretty sure that no one's ever thought of this before, but copying other people's work to make money is, legit, the way to go.

it was still a bit of a learning experience. i'm not the best at making the tops of cakes completely smooth (i'm still better than y'all because... obvs). usually, my designs can mask it pretty well so you can't tell how bumpy it is, but this cake just left it all out in the open, and i think it doesn't totally suck.

also, it was only my second time using the "grass" icing tip. some of the spots were super good-looking and others, not so much (but definitely better than anything y'all could pull off because... obvs).

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 1.5 hours + one bloody finger after trimming one of the cake toppers EVEN THOUGH i used child safety scissors because i want to be safe and because i don't own a pair for grown-ups.

wee ooo wee ooo wee ooo (a firetruck sound),
sassy badger

05 January 2017

"sonny and matisse" - fakes


this cake experience feels like a fever dream. like actually. i agreed to do it while i was sick and the kind of tired that you can't wake up from. i slept fourteen hours that day. if you don't believe me, you can check my fitbit. and while you're at it, you'll see that i have over 12,000 steps today. no big deal.

anyway, i agreed to this in a less-than-ideal mental state. yes, i was going to make a cake no matter what. but would i normally agree to make a cake with faces on it? loyal readers (all three of you. hi, allison.) know that i, in fact, absolutely hate face cakes. 

a cool portmanteau for face + cakes is "fakes." and that's pretty apt because i feel like a fucking fraud when i try to pull something like this off. a phony. a charlatan. a sheep in a wolf sweater or whatever.

not only is this a "fake," but it's a "fake" with twins who don't even look like twins. and twins who don't look like twins wearing yoda and r2-d2 halloween costumes. in real life, it is the cutest thing you've ever seen. in "fake" life, friends ask, "why is one dressed like shrek and the other in a blue hat?" 

oh, i don't know, why do i even bother living?

the one good thing about these "fakes" is that they are usually made for a very specific audience. an audience who requested it and gets what's going on. an audience who knows that they are twins even though they don't look the same. that's the only good thing.

looking at it now, though, i'm reminded of one of shrek's more famous quotes: "do or do not, there is no try." 

so, from now on i will do not these "fakes" anymore. if you want one, take your business elsewhere. unless, it's super good business... then, i'm open to it... i've got two pairs of the same sweatpant to buy.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 3 hours + 5 refills of sweet tea at gus's fried chicken after dropping this cake off. i would've gone for a 6th, but the server brought me a to-go lid, the universal sign for, "please leave before you get diabetes."

not my gumdrop buttons,
sassy badger

"formation" - #blessed


(i've tried to start this blog about sixteen different times. which beyonce reference do i make first? did you know she's from houston? did you know i'm also from houston? did you know that makes our relationship like super special and real?)

this blog is not worthy of beyonce in any way, shape, likeness, or form. not even a little bit. so, i definitely apologize for that. is it even worth it to talk about other "art" when god herself is out here, walking the earth, making art, too? it's not. it's really not.

but honestly, y'all, this cake makes me really happy. like as happy as beyonce was with jay-z. like happy enough to write a whole album about him. so many songs about their happiness.

i do want to thank bey, though. i have no doubt that she mused me, that her spirit entered my soul and channeled her greatness through my tiny, tiny, disproportionately-tiny-for-the-rest-of-my-body hands. when i decided to make a cake for my friend's birthday, the entire execution of this thing came to me completely formed, like a lego model after you put the legos together. and when i was finished, i heard an angelic voice whisper in my ear, "good job, b." 

then, bey's spirit left me. and donald trump is still going to be the president. and everything is awful. and fuck america.

but this cake, though. this cake doesn't suck. right?

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 1 hour + ZERO MINUTES HAVING TO MIX A SINGLE ICING COLOR. GOD BLESS YOURSELF BEYONCE GISELLE KNOWLES CARTER.

the hip hop rappin',
sassy badger

07 November 2016

"a house divided" - my first harry potter cake!


y'all, sometimes people are in love with other people, which i don't get. and sometimes people are in love with harry potter, which i get more than anything in the world.

my co-worker is one of those people who loves harry potter. she also loves her husband-to-be, but he did not love harry potter until very recently, and so, i do not, for the life of me, understand how she loved him before then, but okay.

still, once husband-to-be got his head out of his ass and got on the harry potter train (insert hogwarts express reference or pun or yadda yadda yadda), he was sorted into gryffindor. okay, i guess he is seeming more and more like a decent guy. except for the fact that my co-worker is a diehard slytherin.

everyone knows they're doomed. good luck to you, crazy kids!

honestly, this is one of my favorite cakes i've ever decorated. obviously. i mean, just look at it. it's really fucking good. this is just the kind of quality you come to expect when you come for the sassy badger. i don't know anymore, it's late.

while making it, i also realized that it was the first harry potter-themed cake i'd ever decorated. i cannot imagine how this is possible, but it's true. if this cake is a bludger, then i am a beater, and i smashed it out of the pitch. no one gets a harry potter cake ever again. this can't be topped. sucks for y'all.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2.5 hours + 45 minutes of groaning after learning johnny depp was cast in the fantastic beasts sequel. ughhhhhhhhhhwhy.

mischief managed,
sassy badger

"minimalist" - happy birthday to me


it was my birthday in july. me and a bunch of my friends, like A LOT of my friends, i have a lot of friends, went to see ghostbusters. i just really wanted to celebrate me by ruining the childhoods of a bunch of whiny dudes.

i also wanted cake for my birthday, but none of my many, many, many very, very close friends has ever taken up the mantle of learning cake decorating. not that they would be as good as me. not that their blog would even be worth reading.

so, i asked myself, "do you want to decorate a cake for your own party?"

wow, that was a great joke.

never ever would i ever spend hours on something like that. these plain cupcakes were the best present i could possibly give myself. like, really, i would never ever do something so stupid as decorate a cake just for me.

i couldn't completely turn off that creative itch, though. some cupcakes had white icing. others had chocolate. some had no icing at all! crazy.

then, an even more amazing thing happened. my friends mel and ben, just two of my hundreds of friends, brought me cupcakes. and these weren't just any cupcakes. these were...


...cupcakes of all of my sheroes. these were dope lady cupcakes. so many of my favorite things!

now, mel and ben, my friends, which i have a lot of, took a unique approach to decorating these. they printed some pictures off of the internet. they taped them to some sticks, and then, get this, they stuck the sticks in the cupcakes.

where are the hours of tracing the images? and simplifying them so that they translate to cake? and trying to color match and mix the icing? and switching out between the many icing tips? and spending hours on it? and not getting any sleep before work the next day?

newbs.

geniuses.

to be sincere for a second, i was beyond touched by the gesture. i love my friends. the multitude of them.

ok, sincerity over.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 20 minutes + zero stressful thoughts while making these. i need to get out of "the game."

i have friends, i definitely have friends,
sassy badger

"hamilton" - best party ever


yeah, okay, it's been awhile. everyone's used to it by now.

typically, when the sassy badger drops a masterpiece on a party, it elevates the soiree out of mediocrity. how many of your college dorm parties had a custom pokemon/spongebob/lotr cake? a lot of them? well, then you were friends with me, and that doesn't count. and also, you're welcome.

all you other losers just had lame parties with alcohol and maybe people to sex with afterwards. gross.

this cake, on the other hand, was merely a blip of whimsy in an all-around evening of unmatched greatness. three words for you: hamilton karaoke party. if you don't like karaoke, fine. if you don't like hamilton, get the fuck out.

not only am i obsessed with the musical (after all, i'm not a worthless pile of garbage), but this kind of karaoke was where the hired dj just played the track and you sang along, and it masked your eternal-boy-going-through-puberty crooning. truly, the only kind of karaoke for me.

the kind of karaoke where, after a few drinks, everyone just sang along to every song anyway, and you all sang the second act of the musical all the way through. the kind of karaoke where, at the act break, we all went into another room to watch lemonade. the kind of karaoke where you're sent home with a tray of lasagna afterwards.

another three words for you: best. party. ever.

there were some professional hamilton cupcakes at the party as well. they looked much better than my contribution, but in my heart of hearts*, i know that human sunshine lin-manuel miranda would still tell me i did a good job. lin's opinion is the only one that matters.

thanks, lin. i love you.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2 hours (mostly just trying to capture that twinkle in lin's eyes) + 1 month of party prep that included studying the lyrics and practicing cool ways to hold the microphone.

your obedient servant,
s dot badge

*i hate this idiom. but i learned to work with it, unlike burr and hamilton and...