11 December 2019

"e.t." - and other 80s stuff



my friend threw a party for our friend and her boyfriend. these are not the same person, okay? “our friend” is one person. and “her boyfriend” is a different person, even though he is also my friend. but they aren’t the same “friend.” does that make sense? two people. got it?

so, my friend threw one party for two people (pretty unamerican if you ask me), and the theme of the one party for two people is “80s.” because, somehow, we have decided that a decade can be a theme. birthdays already celebrate the passing of time, but yes, let’s somehow dress up like ten years all at once. cool. sure.

despite knowing the truth about parties celebrating 3650 days in one 3-hour sitting, i very graciously offered to make a cake for this party. i am nothing if not gracious. and my one friend, the one who was throwing the party and not the friend who the party was for, accepted my offer. so, then i asked, “this is one party for two people, what goes on the one cake for the one party for the two people?” was there something from the 80s that these two people both enjoyed? and my friend, who is nothing if not unhelpful, didn’t have an answer.

i settled on e.t. because he’s one big same-colored shape thing, and i am nothing if not lazy (and also gracious). and i knew it would be easy enough to do. great, so i mixed a bunch of alien flesh colored icing that somehow made e.t. look like he had maybe spent too much time cooking in the sun from whatever planet he’s from (i barely remember what happened in e.t. but surely there was a sun there). what i’m saying is, if you look at pictures of e.t. from the movie, he really looks like an old saggy man with pale and translucent skin. but if you look at this cake, his skin looks more like stale beef jerky.

anyway, doing just e.t. didn’t seem like enough. because, again, two people, one cake. did they both like e.t.? i had no fucking clue. so, i just thought about a bunch of other crap from the 80s. yes, I said it, star wars, ferris bueller’s day off, and the karate kid are crap. and i would know, i’m nothing if not a movie critic.

i hope i pissed off a bunch of movie “purists” by mis-referencing all that junk. cool, cool, cool.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2 hours + 5 terrible months i actually spent living in the 80s. it was so loud and bright then.

wax on, wax off,
sassy badger

05 December 2019

"elmo" - tommy john (not the surgery or the player)




i’m writing this on a plane. a historic first for sassy badger. a historic? an historic? the plane ticket cost a couple hundred bucks, so it’s an expensive for fucking sure.

a couple years ago, i made this cake which shows my friends’ dog and their unborn baby. fetus cakes have sort of become my specialty. and honestly, i’m not mad about it. anyway, here’s the cake…



then, a couple months ago (always prompt with these updates), i made a cake for the child depicted in the above cake. and now he is no longer unborn but, rather, born, and i have to say… he looks JUST like the prebirth cake rendering that i did.

alright, so before the kid was a baby. but now he’s a baby who is two years old because that is how growing up works. and his parents threw him a birthday party because i guess he did the growing up thing well enough, and they thought he deserved it. good job, kid!










sorry, I just took a 30 minute break to watch aladdin. the new one. because i’m on a plane, remember? so, please take a 30 minute break before reading the rest of this post to get the full effect.












and we’re back! anyway, so this kid had a sesame street themed party. specifically an elmo party. cliché, am I right?

but that’s fine because decorating elmo is a cakewalk…

Cakewalk…

Cake………………………..

elmo is a red blob with a weird smile and some eyes. boom. done. but in researching elmo, i learned that elmo is also the voice of a generation. which generation? i don't know, but here’s a quote from elmo:

"elmo is so happy to see you! welcome to sesame street!"



like… what?? that just cleared my skin, bought me a car, gave me student loan debt, and then forgave it. elmo and sesame street are real af on main or whatever the kids are saying these days.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 3 hours + 6 breakfast tacos consumed at the party. toddler birthdays are lit, man.

tickle me,
sassy badger

04 February 2019

"dibs on the puppy" - hoes and hose


another cake with a dog. ugh. why does this keep happening to me?

this dog's name is charlie. and he is a fictional dog played by a real dog. that's how hollywood works. "charlie" was on the very first episode of station 19! a show that i happen to work for! he did a very good job... for a dog. take a look.

there's also a firehose on the cake because station 19 is about firefighters. it also says "dibs on the puppy" on the cake because that was a quote from station 19, which is a show about firefighters. do you understand how hollywood works, yet?

i made this for a watch party for our first episode. at first, i couldn't figure out what to put on the cake, but then i realized i had all of these colors already mixed. and i didn't feel like mixing more. i'm pretty innovative that way.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 3 hours + 20 minutes of our premiere interrupted by a loud, beeping weather warning. whatever! we're not bitter about it!

a spinoff of grey's anatomy,
sassy badger

"angelica and lafayette" - it's hamilton day


i either want to make this post super short: i love hamilton! (clearly)

or i want to write a 20 page thesis and link to my favorite articles and videos and attach a powerpoint about why it's such an incredible show. i know i've only seen it seven times, but i have a lot to say about it...

i think it's best if i split the difference, okay?

hamilton came to los angeles where i live (so glamorous!) in august of 2017. ignore the fact that it's now february 2019. i was so excited for its opening day in glamorous los angeles that i had to make a cake for it. and i had friends who i knew would be just as excited, so i made them a cake, too. i have so many friends.

since i'm the lin-manuel of cakes, let's break down these masterpieces cake by cake. angelica first:


i am more than satisfied* with how this turned out. clearly i nailed it. next.

lafayette:


now, before all you hamfams get all up in my business, YES. i know that lafayette is in his guns and ships costume but the quote is from aaron burr, sir**. like, don't at me, broseph. i had more blue icing, and i was feeling lazy. okay, thank you. but still. nailed it.

i love hamilton!

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 3 hours + 1 awkward run-in where i, a grown adult, asked the actress who played angelica if she "was angelica." byeeeee.

ben franklin with a key and a kite,
sassy badger



* that's the name of the song that this lyric is from, and if you didn't know that, get the fuck off my page.

** if you didn't already put that together on your own, get the fuck off my page.

"tommy john and lila" - a better texas cake!!


did you know i am from texas? i like almost never talk about it...

i was wanting to make a cake for my friends who were having a baby (18 months ago when i made this cake, the child is like a full adult now), and they are also from texas because texas is amazing. and i thought, "wouldn't it be doubly amazing if i could make a texas shaped cake?" but as i thought that through, it seemed really hard, and i don't like to try that much. so, then, i thought, "wouldn't it be great if someone made a texas shaped cake pan?" and sure enough... someone did!

wilton, specifically, back in 1986. they didn't make any other state shaped cake pans because no other state is as great as texas. i'm from texas! did you know that?

i found this pan on ebay. one seller was selling it for $18, another for $75. and because i'm just made of money, like rolling in the dough, i bought the $18 one. and it worked really well! and now it's hanging up in my kitchen because i love texas! and i'm from there!

again, this cake was for my friends. they were about to have their first human child. their first first child is their dog, lila. i hate dogs, but lila is fine. as far as dogs go. here's lila:


i think i did a pretty fucking great job at capturing her essence. but please do not ask me to make you dog cakes in the future. like i said, i hate dogs.

the baby on the cake is in a snow leopard costume because the baby's dad often wears a snow leopard costume. look, you don't know these people, and that sucks for you, but i'm not going to explain it much further than that. anyway, i didn't do an amazing job of capturing the baby (who now goes by "tommy john") or his essence. he's a lot chubbier. but he does have a snow leopard costume irl... and he hates wearing it. sorry.

my biggest regret was that i put a white cake on a white cake board. and i should've done some sort of border around the edges. hello. live a little, me! but, overall, i think it turned out so, so well. my first texas cake could not have gone better. texas, texas, texas! i'm from texas!

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2.5 hours + 3 months of "baby shark" stuck in my head after hearing tommy john's mom sing it.

yes like the baseball player and the surgery,
sassy badger

03 February 2019

"ariel and thom" - sorry for the delay


well, look at this. over a year since i updated this thing. over a year since i made the cake above. one of my new year's resolutions is to not be such a piece of shit... so here we go... in february.

this is an engagement cake! for some friends, ariel and thom, who have now been married over a year! it's supposed to look like a bottle of whiskey. maker's mark, specifically. which is their favorite, which i know because i'm such a good friend (still a piece of shit, but a good friend). and look! i slapped on some hearts and made it all romantic and voila! an engagement cake.

it took me forever to mix the golden whiskey color, and i still think it looks more like a bottle of mustard than a bottle of whiskey, but they loved it and never wanted to eat it, and maybe they still haven't eaten it. maybe i wrote this thing before they ate their cake. i'll take it!

if there are things i know a lot about, it's putting off writing and decorating cakes. if there are things i know very little about, it's whiskey. but, hey, i tried!

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2 hours (i'm making this up because i don't remember) + 18 months between making this and writing about it.

distilled, aged, and bottled,
sassy badger