10 November 2010

"black swan" - it's pretty perfect

i was only able to see two movies at aff this year, 127 hours and black swan. both seriously MESSED ME UP, but i highly suggest you go see both; it's only fair.

anyway, this cake was basically a bribe for letting me skip an entire week of work. however, it might have ended up landing me more work in the future. the film guys at the office sent a picture of this to the producer of black swan and some guys at fox searchlight. move over spielberg, i'm running your craft service and your animatronic shark is in the way of my sandwich table. but for serious, that was pretty cool, and i haven't been sued yet for any copyright infringement. and natalie portman's "people" haven't shown up at my door or anything, although that would probably be worth it too.

hey, if i learned anything from this movie, it's that you have to do what it takes to get ahead. if that means exploiting queen amidala in some bird makeup just to make connections in the biz, then so be it. i'll see you in hollywood, bitchesssss.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2.5 hours + 3 awesome scenes of winona ryder as a washed up performer, mmmmfamiliar

a ballet in four acts,
sassy badger

"radish" - what a waste

oh dear. it's a greek cake. AGAIN. and it's a radish! why? because we learned there is one word in greek that literally means to stick a radish up your fundament aka bum. sounds FUNdament, right? yes, but wrong. it was actually a really gross form of punishment. so the next time you find yourself in ancient greece, don't even think about adulteratin'.

in case that isn't enough happy FUNdament times for you, i took this one to class, and we didn't even get to eat it. instead we were all "radished" by the hardest quiz known to man, woman, and vegetable. on top of that, it got a little too chummy with a liter of rc cola, and it didn't survive the bus ride home. however, as you can plainly see, it's not like a whole lot of hard work went into this one.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 30 minutes + 1 vegetable that i will never eat ever again

banging on a trashcan, drumming on a streetlight,
sassy badger

25 October 2010

"mad men" - only 2 months late

for some reason i kept forgetting to post this one... i think i was waiting for the mad men season finale, as i didn't think it was fair to steal their thunder. i haven't watched it yet, but all the super famous people i met* this weekend at the austin film festival said it was really fantastic.

this cake was pretty interesting to work on. simple, simple shapes, but i swear i sculpted that ear for about 30 minutes. i was worried too; black icing is always tricky, as it often tastes like stale battery acid. luckily, my friend was turning TWOONE, so there was plenty of vodka and my "girl mojitos" to chase it down with. and for the record, mojitos are delicious. we can't all drink old fashioned's like don draper.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: can't remember + a 2.5 hour car trip from houston to austin + an awful hangover the next morning when i had to move all my furniture.

from the writer and executive producer of the sopranos,
sassy badger

* by met i mean not really.

07 July 2010

"fc barcelona" - like an engineer

for those of you that follow soccer/football outside of this year's world cup, you'll recognize this as the crest of fc barcelona. for those of you that just joined the program: welcome, we're happy to have you, please leave your vuvuzelas at the door. now, of course, the initials AJB are replacing the FCB that normally reside in the middle of the shield. maybe one day AJB will be lucky enough to have his own club. i'd play for him... if he paid well.

half-way through designing this cake, i just started laughing out loud, LOL'ing if you will. at this stage, it hardly looked edible: 

i would like to include some more tidbits about FCB for you. however, about 85% of the club plays on spain's national team, and, seeing as how i missed their game today against germany, i would like to avoid spoilers as much as possible until i watch the replay at midnight. 

if you somehow ruin this game for me, your exclusive membership to the badger blog will be revoked. THAT IS ALL. 

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 1.5 hours + 1 beautiful month of early morning games, breakfast tacos, cuatro-trons, and frats in demin cutoffs and american flag apparel

go netherlands,
sassy badger

14 June 2010

"california raisin" - it's not kramer

this might be the most obscure pop-culture reference i have put on a cake so far. i mean, the way they market these raisins is even pretty obscure: figurines, t-shirts, deodorant sticks, etc... i think they even made a few television episodes - "the day the grapes went to the beach," or something like that. budumchhhhhhh!

my first choice was to put kramer on this cake, you know THE painting of kramer. i know you know the one, but it was just super difficult. sorry, michael richards and michael rotko.

anyway, i'm not sure if this particular raisin even exists, but he looks like he's having a good time. he's rocking those shades and those kicks. i'd tap that....

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 1.5 hours + minor extraction surgery when my 4-year-old self stuck a raisin up my nose and couldn't get it out.

it went in a raisin, and came out a grape. think about it,
sassy badger

"lady gaga" - unexplainable

if anyone can explain to me the weird costumes or the "telephone" video or lady gaga in general, i would really appreciate it. i feel like she sort of just popped up out of nowhere, taking up whole episodes of glee and ripping off ace of base, left and right. don't get me wrong, her music is pretty good, but what?

my favorite part about designing this cake was google-ing lady gaga because the search results always suggested "lady gaga hermaphrodite." i mean, hello, jeffrey euginides called, he wants his book back.... anyone? just to keep you in the loop, the term hermaphrodite is being phased out and replaced with "intersex," as it carries less of a stigma. thank you, intersex society of north america.

anyway, i made this cake for my boss, and it was well received by the entire office. best of all, they actually let me and the other interns out of the back room to eat a piece of cake. seeing as how screenplay interns are the bottom of the bottom, this was such exciting news; i could hardly contain myself. thus, i did not even eat a slice of cake for fear that my good mood plus a sugar rush would only lead to self-destruction when i realized i still had 4 hours of paper-pushing to go.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2.5 hours + an extra 6 minutes tagged on to "telephone" to make the most logic-defying music video of all time

born stefani joanne angelina germanotta,
sassy badger

"patrick" - echinoderm nudity

warning: this cake is not for the easily offended, disturbed, or confused. children under 18 should ask a parent before scrolling down.








i know, it's SO risque. anyway, i'm sure most of you recognize this derriere as belonging to patrick star from the awesome television show for kids (although now i recognize the jokes were written for dirty-minded adults) spongebob squarepants. now, i don't know how many of you have seen the movie, but patrick parachutes in sans swim trunks clenching a banner between his cheeks.... yes, THOSE cheeks. it's pretty glorious, but pretty scarring i guess, since i blocked it from my memory.

even for me, this design is pretty absurd. i wanted to just do a regular patrick, but my friend really pushed for the naked patrick. awesome enough, this version was much easier. i just mixed tons of fleshy-toned icing. alright, i'm done talking about this.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2 hours + an awesome commercial by sir mix-a-lot featuring the track "spongebob got back"

absorbent and yellow and porous is he,
sassy badger  

p.s. - thanks to everyone who checked out our movie from the last post. it has over 100 views.... move over star wars kid.

31 May 2010

"p. terry's" - it just made me hungry

so i took "intro to documentary" this semester, and, like my screenwriting class, i became known as the girl who would bring baked goods. unfortunately this class was much less forgiving if i ever showed up empty-handed... including the teacher.

one day we screened one of my projects, and i brought cookies. after class, my teacher complimented me on the cookies.... and only the cookies. like many of my other film classes, these kids suggested i take up professional cake decorating if my career in hollywood doesn't work out. who wants to make movies about blue cat people anyway? for a group of kids with huge dreams, we are sometimes incredibly realistic, rational, and unsupportive. i love it.

anyway, one of my classmates did his project on p.terry's burger stand. talking about food is one thing, but watching it in HD, that's just cruel. even though this was not my project, i felt it was easiest to translate to cake. sadly, my teacher required that this collaboration of ideas be documented:

strangely, no one suggested i consider modeling as a back-up career. however, i can honestly say that this photo encapsulates how truly awkward it was in this moment. anyway, if you've got some time, check out the p. terry's doc.

and you can check out the doc my partner and i made as well.

and check out all the other videos, and everything else we did this semester.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 45 minutes + 1 threat to be sued in the midst of making our project

never been better, 
sassy badger

11 May 2010

"a generic frodo" - nerdier than greek

yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is, in fact, elvish. i was told that it says "happy birthday, allison," but for all i know it could say "and the jay-z song was on." now, that would be baller, but not what i was going for. i really cannot express how beyond my level of nerd expertise this is, and that is saying a lot.

also, this was a very difficult design to work with. there are no simple, cute, cartoon characters in lord of the rings. thanks, peter jackson (and thanks for ruining the lovely bones as well). i did find a few LOTR coloring books, which this kind of looks like, and combined those with some of the movie posters of elijah wood, which this is like a mirror reflection of..... ha. basically, it's a dude in a cloak with a necklace on, and he has no eyes. if that doesn't scream frodo baggins, then, get your eyes checked.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2 hours + 10 hours of my life napping while in the movie theater for the three LOTR movies, best sleep i've ever gotten.

the one ring to rule them all,
sassy badger

"women's water polo" - get paid

so, this is the first time any cake of mine has made money. no money went to my pocket, but women's water polo made like $15 at their silent auction. i'm hiring a lawyer to insure i get royalties, or whatever, next time.

any way, the auction was pretty cool. i took home a very special gift for a very special cat FOR ONLY A DOLLAR. if only kitten mittons were available, meeeeee-owwww: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGNnEmd9jw8

but, the family that took this home consisted of two bratty tweens and their dad's wallet. i mean the dad was there too, but it went something like this:

1. girls walk up to an item
2. they write down a bid
3. they ask their dad if they can bid on it
4. he says no
5. they say too late
6. he sighs
7. repeat steps 1-6.

kids these days.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 1 hour + 2 years of low self-esteem due to living with a highly active water polo player. THANKS, BECCA.

one size fits all,
sassy badger

14 April 2010

"glee" - a piece of cake

after seeing tonight's episode of Glee (in case you couldn't tell, it's back), i really wish i had a tv blog as well. it has got to be some of the most ridiculous writing on television. i'm thinking i will write them an episode about baking cakes. they will sing this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lqfQi7146U

it'll be an itunes best-seller for sure.

anyway, this cake was kind of weird. i felt like it was for a Glee promotional party at fox. however, rupert murdoch was not there, and he did not give me any money. do you think rupert has seen Glee? does it connect with 79 year-olds? did he see that fox movie about blue cat people? can he eat sugar?

unlike the blue cat people movie, i didn't put too much effort into this cake: i didn't have to mix any new icing, the design was super easy, and my roommate cleaned out the pan for me. best. day. ever.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 1 hour + 15 awful minutes of American Idol before Glee tonight. pretty sure half of those people do not have real names.

fair and balanced,
sassy badger

28 March 2010

"abraham lincoln" - history lesson

for his party invitation, my friend included a laundry list of promises. now, derek is a man of his word, so i tried to complete as much of the checklist as possible. i wore plaid, i brought a cake, and abraham lincoln was in attendance (sort of). according to derek, it might be too soon for abe jokes. i trust him, he's a history fiend; he told his first jesus joke last month. but i figured sassy badger could get away with it.

i don't know if you know, but abraham lincoln lived in a time when there were no colored photographs. so, i did a bit of researching. in a self-description, lincoln described himself as 6'3", dark brown hair, and grey eyes. it made things easy for me. grey for the suit and his eyes. and i just used chocolate icing for the beard/eyebrows/mole, which i also think reflects nicely on lincoln's inclinations towards slavery. too much?  anyway, i have a close-up of that mole if you're interested in a new desktop background.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2.5 hours + a lifetime of disappointment for the lack of elian gonzalez and a "two-way petting zoo"promised at this party

the pride and joy of illinois, and all the usa,
sassy badger

P.S. - this is my second post about a president, and i have one from a barack obama cake (although he was senator at the time of it's baking). i'm thinking of completing all 44 presidents. so, if anyone's having a herbert hoover party, let me know. or maybe you're more of a millard fillmore fan?

"rooster" - what's in a name?

NERD ALERT: it's another greek cake!

another semester, another fabulous greek class. i still have my two amigos from last year and we FINALLY hung out outside of anything related to greek for joy's birthday. when joy asked that this cake be brought to class and not to her party, i happily obliged because:

1. NERD ALERT: it's a greek cake.

2. the writing in green is defined in our book as the animal "cock." yes, let's explain that one to a room of people i don't know very well at el arroyo. luckily, our teacher, larry kim, let's us translate it as "rooster" so that we can "maintain our sensibilities." thank you, larry.

(sidebar: larry is 39 years old. i seriously thought he was 25 all year. he says it's probably because he's asian. he also believes that his eyebrows, which sit rather high on his forehead, convince people he is constantly in a state of surprise, only adding to the child-like curiosity of his features. end sidebar.)

3. it's a greek cake. the brown writing is based off a homework sentence we had about socrates... come on.

however, the sentence was easy to manipulate because joy is a noun, a word that we actually have in english and greek. i feel like i sort of sort-changed bob dylan in this respect (no big deal). anyway, it reads "we would gladly stand on the earth that gave us Joy."

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2 hours + about 6 seconds to convince larry kim to let us skip class and see "clash of the titans" next week

release the kraken,
sassy badger

"spider-man" - i wish i made this cake for me

if you've gone through my movie collection, looked at the posters on my wall back home, or perused through my bookshelves, then you know, undoubtedly, i am in love with spider-man.

let's keep this PG: imagine a game of "kiss, date, or dump" between spider-man, batman, and superman... what would you do? when about 90% of everyone else chooses to shoot (i mean dump) him, i always choose to marry (i mean date) him. how do clark kent and bruce wayne even compare to the awkward, gangly, forever-teenager that is peter parker?????? let's be serious.

i did have a spider-man cake made for me once, but i don't have a picture of it. maybe the people who made it do (HINT). i'd gladly do a side-by-side comparison... but honestly, i loved that cake.

anyway, this cake had to be perfect. 1. it's spider-man. 2. i made it for a kid. a real person. not one of my slightly inebriated, albeit charming, friends. it took me a long while to settle on the design, but i must say it's probably my favorite cake so far. and, sadly, i have not been able to give it to mansour, so, gladly, i might get to eat it. maybe i did make this cake for me.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 3 hours + a 4th spider-man movie cancelled, just so they can make a different spider-man movie with a different actor playing spider-man...

your friendly neighborhood cake baker,
sassy badger

08 February 2010

"krusty the clown" - the importance of words

according to the dictionary, a show is a) a theatrical presentation; b) a radio or television program; or c) a public performance. nowhere does the dictionary refer to a show as a movie. shows are not movies. 

person 1: have you seen the show Avatar?
me: you mean the airbender cartoon?
person 1: no the one about blue cat people...

see how confusing it can be? so, i and other members of my cause are going to keep correcting my friend who must not be named (whose name is on the cake). and he will keep saying "gosh, you film nerds are so stuck up." or "only you austin people care about the distinction."

if by "austin people" he means everyone else in the world. and by "distinction" he means truth.... then, yes. since we already know his dictionary is sketchy, i'm going to assume that's what he means.

a small point, the Simpsons can also refer to a movie. but that does NOT disprove my point.... i hope?

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 3 hours + 1 Avatar: the Last Airbender movie that had to change its name because of some other movie that some people have seen

can i get a witness,
sassy badger

08 January 2010

"jimmy fallon playing robert pattinson playing edward cullen" - so po-mo

first and foremost, go here (if you haven't already): robertisbothered.com. my favorites are "halloween" and "snickers ads," but watch them all.

obviously, figuring out a way to make it look like jimmy fallon looking like robert pattinson looking like edward cullen would be practically impossible. so, if you ever find yourself in such a post-modern debacle.... then you're a nerd like me for using words like "post-modern" and "debacle." basically, i just traced pattinson as edward, skipping all that other in-between nonsense.

i will say this one turned out surprisingly well, and it looked better in person that it does in photograph. after all, it is a vampire..... EYOOO. anyway, here is a shout-out to probably the best twilight cake ever made.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2 hours + a huge thank you to mr. fallon for having a ton of time on his hands

so sparkly,
sassy badger