04 February 2019

"dibs on the puppy" - hoes and hose

another cake with a dog. ugh. why does this keep happening to me?

this dog's name is charlie. and he is a fictional dog played by a real dog. that's how hollywood works. "charlie" was on the very first episode of station 19! a show that i happen to work for! he did a very good job... for a dog. take a look.

there's also a firehose on the cake because station 19 is about firefighters. it also says "dibs on the puppy" on the cake because that was a quote from station 19, which is a show about firefighters. do you understand how hollywood works, yet?

i made this for a watch party for our first episode. at first, i couldn't figure out what to put on the cake, but then i realized i had all of these colors already mixed. and i didn't feel like mixing more. i'm pretty innovative that way.

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 3 hours + 20 minutes of our premiere interrupted by a loud, beeping weather warning. whatever! we're not bitter about it!

a spinoff of grey's anatomy,
sassy badger

"angelica and lafayette" - it's hamilton day

i either want to make this post super short: i love hamilton! (clearly)

or i want to write a 20 page thesis and link to my favorite articles and videos and attach a powerpoint about why it's such an incredible show. i know i've only seen it seven times, but i have a lot to say about it...

i think it's best if i split the difference, okay?

hamilton came to los angeles where i live (so glamorous!) in august of 2017. ignore the fact that it's now february 2019. i was so excited for its opening day in glamorous los angeles that i had to make a cake for it. and i had friends who i knew would be just as excited, so i made them a cake, too. i have so many friends.

since i'm the lin-manuel of cakes, let's break down these masterpieces cake by cake. angelica first:

i am more than satisfied* with how this turned out. clearly i nailed it. next.


now, before all you hamfams get all up in my business, YES. i know that lafayette is in his guns and ships costume but the quote is from aaron burr, sir**. like, don't at me, broseph. i had more blue icing, and i was feeling lazy. okay, thank you. but still. nailed it.

i love hamilton!

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 3 hours + 1 awkward run-in where i, a grown adult, asked the actress who played angelica if she "was angelica." byeeeee.

ben franklin with a key and a kite,
sassy badger

* that's the name of the song that this lyric is from, and if you didn't know that, get the fuck off my page.

** if you didn't already put that together on your own, get the fuck off my page.

"tommy john and lila" - a better texas cake!!

did you know i am from texas? i like almost never talk about it...

i was wanting to make a cake for my friends who were having a baby (18 months ago when i made this cake, the child is like a full adult now), and they are also from texas because texas is amazing. and i thought, "wouldn't it be doubly amazing if i could make a texas shaped cake?" but as i thought that through, it seemed really hard, and i don't like to try that much. so, then, i thought, "wouldn't it be great if someone made a texas shaped cake pan?" and sure enough... someone did!

wilton, specifically, back in 1986. they didn't make any other state shaped cake pans because no other state is as great as texas. i'm from texas! did you know that?

i found this pan on ebay. one seller was selling it for $18, another for $75. and because i'm just made of money, like rolling in the dough, i bought the $18 one. and it worked really well! and now it's hanging up in my kitchen because i love texas! and i'm from there!

again, this cake was for my friends. they were about to have their first human child. their first first child is their dog, lila. i hate dogs, but lila is fine. as far as dogs go. here's lila:

i think i did a pretty fucking great job at capturing her essence. but please do not ask me to make you dog cakes in the future. like i said, i hate dogs.

the baby on the cake is in a snow leopard costume because the baby's dad often wears a snow leopard costume. look, you don't know these people, and that sucks for you, but i'm not going to explain it much further than that. anyway, i didn't do an amazing job of capturing the baby (who now goes by "tommy john") or his essence. he's a lot chubbier. but he does have a snow leopard costume irl... and he hates wearing it. sorry.

my biggest regret was that i put a white cake on a white cake board. and i should've done some sort of border around the edges. hello. live a little, me! but, overall, i think it turned out so, so well. my first texas cake could not have gone better. texas, texas, texas! i'm from texas!

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2.5 hours + 3 months of "baby shark" stuck in my head after hearing tommy john's mom sing it.

yes like the baseball player and the surgery,
sassy badger

03 February 2019

"ariel and thom" - sorry for the delay

well, look at this. over a year since i updated this thing. over a year since i made the cake above. one of my new year's resolutions is to not be such a piece of shit... so here we go... in february.

this is an engagement cake! for some friends, ariel and thom, who have now been married over a year! it's supposed to look like a bottle of whiskey. maker's mark, specifically. which is their favorite, which i know because i'm such a good friend (still a piece of shit, but a good friend). and look! i slapped on some hearts and made it all romantic and voila! an engagement cake.

it took me forever to mix the golden whiskey color, and i still think it looks more like a bottle of mustard than a bottle of whiskey, but they loved it and never wanted to eat it, and maybe they still haven't eaten it. maybe i wrote this thing before they ate their cake. i'll take it!

if there are things i know a lot about, it's putting off writing and decorating cakes. if there are things i know very little about, it's whiskey. but, hey, i tried!

TOTAL DECORATING TIME: 2 hours (i'm making this up because i don't remember) + 18 months between making this and writing about it.

distilled, aged, and bottled,
sassy badger